fronting: vivi
listening to: fukouna girl by stomach book
reading: nothing
mood: chillin
weather: snowy. 15°f.
good morning. vivimeister here. didn't make much progress on the site last night, but that's okay, it was a good day regardless. got to talk to dad about my sobriety, did my first ever drug screen (which WILL come back clean!!), and i DID code a BIT. more importantly, however, i got to spend a lot of time with my gf. yippee. we fell asleep on call together and everything. it always makes my heart soar when we get to do that. she'll be busy the next couple days, so i'll have to work on coping with keeping myself entertained—that said, we are gonna get to spend some time together on sunday. we plan on watching the indiana jones movies, at least one of them.
as for progress on the site: the only real quantifiable things i did yesterday were update my media log a bit, and add my first site neighbor (ty danny @ mylifeinheaven). i DID make a webpage about my spirituality like i mentioned in yesterday's blog post, however it's nowhere near ready to publish. so, i'll hopefully be working on that at some point today. maybe.
today, i intend on going to another marijuana anonymous meeting. my sponsor expects me to go to at least two a week, so there's one i'm looking at that takes place at 5pm tonight. after i attend that, i'll check in with my sponsor. i just gotta focus on getting thru the day sober, which should be easy enough. it has been so far. i might also go back and re-read life with hope (marijuana anonymous text) to add more annotations. that's another thing my sponsor expects of me—to do readings and mark 'em up so we have things to discuss when we meet.
this site has been very fulfilling for me, and a great time sink while i navigate this difficult time. difficult in a good way, i mean. like, sobriety, IOP, new relationship—there are so many factors that, while great, are a bit overwhelming. sobriety involves realizing how many hours there are in the day when you aren't using, and learning how to fill those hours. for me, i've found meaning in making this website. for that, i am gratteful.
yesterday, i mentioned learning how to sit in stillness and doing nothing. i did NOT to that 3-minute exercise like i had intended, but there's nothing saying i can't give it a shot today.
i just woke up, so i think i'm kinda grasping at straws for ideas on what to update this blog with. that said, i think i'm gonna call it here for this update. maybe i'll be back to add more later, maybe i won't, depends on how the day goes and how i'm feeling. regardless, it's dope you read this. thank you so much.
fronting: uncertain
listening to: magdalena by a perfect circle
reading: nothing
mood: listless
weather: cloudy. 20°f.
hi there. i'm feeling kinda... hypoaroused, i guess? i can't really bring myself to focus on a given task, keep finding myself zoning out, and overall just kinda feeling bleh. that's okay, i'm allowed to have bleh days, but it does suck just a little bit. so i'm trying to figure out how to regulate myself out of it right now. one thing i do struggle with is identifying my coping mechanisms. some incense would be great right about now, but my incense holder is covered in a bunch of crap and i don't really have the willpower to clean it all up right this moment. i'm pretty sure i know why i'm feeling dysregulated: i have my individual appointment with my program therapist quite soon here, and during our meet we're doing to be addressing my avoidant tendencies and working to undo some of that struggle. we're doing to be messaging some people i have been meaning to message, and it's just a really anxiety-provoking thought for me. i've gone weeks, even months without contacting these people, and it's hard to finally reach out and break that silence—especially when there's some expectation that i'm going to be disappointing them, or otherwise letting them down.
but i gotta protect my peace, or something along those lines. when identifying my core values in iop last week, i pinned down communication as one of mine—and i've been letting my communication slip. that, and by finally responding to these people and severing myself from these overwhelming obligations, i'll know more peace of mind. i've had a slight buzz of background anxiety for weeks now, and it's really my biggest problem at this point in time, so i'm glad to be getting it finally taken care of. it's just gonna be hard, but i know i can do hard things.
i did my daily tarot reading, and actually honed in on the idea of addressing this avoidance as it's the main thing on my plate today. a lot of what i just wrote is based off of the insights the cards provided. i won't go into the full spread/reading (even though it was just three cards), but the general gist is this idea of 1. knowing what the correct path is, 2. being assured that tranquility waits on the other side of communication, and 3. to communicate clearly, not perfectly. so here's to hoping. fingers crossed. et cetera, et cetera.