fronting: uncertain
listening to: sunspots by nine inch nails
reading: life with hope (marijuana anonymous text)
mood: inspired
weather: sunny. 15°f.
hi there!! it's been a very empowering day thus far. firstly, i just identified it as maestro (possibly) front. which is like, weird, because i don't fully feel like maestro, hence the uncertainty. but that has been a running theme across alters from the past few weeks—feeling slightly altered. it reminds me of the concept of epochal divisions in systemhood, however i haven't read enough about epochal divisions to say for sure. i just reached out to some of my system friends for input on the matter, hoping to hear back from them soon!!
anyways, again. empowering day. iop was good. the last hour of today was yoga, so we didn't have very much time for curriculum—especially because we spent a lot of time talking and processing individual matters as a group. it was very nice!!! i love connecting with those people, my groupmates are a great lot. i got some really sincere feedback from one of them, and one line really stuck with me:
"if i knew half the shit you do when i was your age, i would be much better off. you're gonna be okay."
which is like, fuck man, do you WANT me to cry?? i guess it meant a lot to hear because, for so long, i considered myself hopeless. like, just a month ago, i didn't see much point or purpose in my life. i'm such a far cry from that now. it's insane what a month of proper treatment and sobriety will do to you, i guess. i'm very happy, very proud.
i also discussed the immense boredom i've been experiencing, and got a really nice reframe—what if it's not boredom, but contentment? and it's like, well, damn. i'm not too familiar with contentment, with stillness, with peace and calm. they FEEL like boredom to me, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. i think i just need to practice sitting still and doing absolutely nothing, just being. so i plan on exercising that muscle at some point tonight maybe, hopefully. i'll do that by setting... i dunno, a 3 minute timer, and do nothing for 3 minutes. stare at a wall, close my eyes, whatever. and just let my thoughts wash over me. i guess it's like meditation in a way, isn't it?
last bit of wisdom i received today: to take my sobriety a day at a time. which i kind of already knew, but am struggling to internalize. part of me is terrified at the idea of never smoking again. but i don't gotta think about forever—i just gotta worry about today. and today is a lot more manageable than forever.
with all this wellness stuff, i decided to get back in touch with my spirituality. so i did some very lite ancestor work—called upon my grandma, pulled a tarot spread with her, and it was such a warm and reassuring message. tomorrow, or later tonight, i intend on proper prayer. which, i've never really prayed before? i was raised in a secular family, and religion / spirituality is very alien (yet cathartic) to me. i think that will be a nice muscle to try and exercise.
on that note, i was playing with the idea of creating a digital shrine to my spiritual beliefs. it's a very eclectic belief system, i'll tell you that much, but having a place where i can organize and publicize my thoughts might be nice. otherwise, i wanna work on updating my media log some more.
thank you for reading!! :)